I did not just wake up one morning and decided to be an atheist. It was not a rebellion or a sudden rejection of faith and God concept
It was slowly cooked, painful and deeply personal journey, a process of body trauma and questions religion never wanted me to ask.
I was borned in a christian family and i attended catholic schools. I was a very strong beliver in god. I prayed almost every day i fasted, i attended church, and i kept my faith strong. I wanted to please the God i was told loved me.
I was faithful to the so called God. I believed, i prayed and i obeyed, until the day i started working in Catholic sisters convent. Those sisters prayed and i had to join them. It felt holy but in between something began to happen. Something changed completely
It began inside that convent the day my belly button was taken. Something changed within me, as if an invisible seal had been placed between my belly button and womb. I searched everywhere through medicine, prayers, herbs and spiritual healers. But nothing reached it. The power of my belly button seemed to run deeper than flesh and faith.
I felt like a living experiment, a body caught between physical and divine, controlled by powers that moved beyond understanding (Divine).
There were nights i knew i was being used in my dreams, i could feel it, a strange energy moving through me taking over in ways i could not resist. The minute i woke up that memory would vanish, wiped away. Still my body told the story. My body remembered what had been wiped away and forced to forget. Divine forces were taking were taking over, pushing my body to do things i neither contested to. I held on prayers tightly hoping that prayer would save me. But as time went on the divine forces digged deeper trying to claim even more. My body felt like a battlefield, one where control ruled.
Every morning, often at four or five it was a program being switched on inside me. The centre of it was my navel, the kidneys,sacrum and rectum. An orchestrated routine that ended in forced defecation.
I spoke to my doctors and even checked in mental health care hoping someone could understand what was happening . But no mattter where i went the pattern stayed the same.
I tried talking to everyone i could, doctors, priests, friends but the answers never matched what i was living through. So i turned to books. I begen reading, researching and joining groups to understand what others believed and more importantly why some had stopped believing. That is when i began to see the other side, the world of atheists. They were not empty or lost as i was told, they had reasons!
They questioned what others feared to ask. They looked at suffering, silence and contradition and dared to say things others are afraid to say. Through their tales and words i started to understand something deeper. The God concept itself, the idea of an all powerful being who causes suffering and yet demands praise.
He is not sacred.
The God concept is a system one carefully designed to keep people inside religion. It thrives on fear obedience and not in truth. Once i saw it i could never unsee it.